I Hate Social Events
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I Hate Social Events

There's little else that annoys me quite as much as someone trying to force me to attend a social event. Right off the bat I know that I'm stuck between either wasting hours of my precious free time having inane, shallow interactions with people in an environment that seems custom designed to trigger me, or coming off as an antisocial asshole who doesn't care about anyone. I, of course, always pick the latter choice.

It's not even that I don't care about anyone - I am perfectly capable of caring about cats - it's that I despise expending "social energy" on non-meaningful interactions. Ten times out of ten, social events consist of a bunch of people gathering under the premise of celebrating an utterly mundane event, and spending hours upon hours loudly yapping at each other about absolutely nothing like a flock of stupid chattering birds.

Birthday parties are a yearly dread for me, both my own and everybody else's. Despite reminding everyone I know every single year about how much I detest birthdays and do not celebrate them, every asshole related to me sees fit to try to force me to celebrate anyway. Every year there's at least one or two particularly detestable relatives who even try to invite themselves over under the excuse of "well you don't celebrate your birthday, but I want to celebrate it!" Next time it happens, I'm going to tell them that I joined a death cult and start urging them to attend my next human sacrifice ceremony.

I can't imagine how void of meaning one's existence must be that they see fit to hold a celebration each time the Earth winds up in approximately the same position in its orbit around the Sun that it was when someone they know was ejected out of their mother. Perhaps if we lived in the Neolithic, it would be a big deal that someone in the tribe went another year without freezing to death or being eaten by a wolf, but in a first world country in modern times? Unless you have cancer or you're in the military, a birthday party is a glorified participation trophy.

Speaking of celebrating the Earth's orbit around the Sun, New Years is another event that I loathe due to how pointless it is. "The Earth has completed another orbit around the Sun! Let's get drunk and act even dumber and more obnoxious than usual to celebrate!" Here's a fun fact: the Earth has been successfully orbiting the Sun for all 4.5 billion years of its existence, and it will continue to do so for billions of years after we're all gone until it's engulfed by the red giant Sun or ejected out of the solar system by an interloper star. You don't have to celebrate it every year as if it's an unexpected miracle. Besides, if you're going to use reliable natural processes as an excuse to get drunk, why not celebrate each successful rotation of the Earth by getting plastered every 24 hours? Or, even better, develop some actual interests so that you actually have something interesting to be excited about.

Speaking of getting plastered, I have no idea why anyone thinks that drinking with other people is a good idea. It's true that for a lot of people (such as myself,) getting drunk makes one more sociable and funny, but the drawbacks really are not worth it. For starters, how do people even get home after a night of drinking? I drink in my room and some nights I'm still too drunk to successfully make it to the bed. Moreover, the same loss of inhibitions that makes one more sociable and funny, also makes one more likely to sabotage relationships by angrily screaming at people over minor political disagreements.

To me, everything is markedly more enjoyable when done alone. Eating alone means eating food that was only touched by me and was prepared by me to my exact specifications, while entertaining myself with some reading material or an online video of my choice. In contrast, eating with others means eating people touched by other people, that may offend my sensory issues, while listening to the disgusting sounds of people chewing and wagging their tongues over where their neighbour's cousin had their nails done. If it's a large event, it also surely means that there's obnoxiously loud mainstream music blaring in the background which, combined with the sounds of all of the people in attendance chattering away, makes it impossible to even make out anything that anyone is saying. It's like a loud murder of crows all cawing at each other at once, except you get considered creepy if you don't participate.

Being alone is universally pleasant. I hope I die alone. I don't know why that thought scares so many people. In the vast majority of cases, death is a painful and utterly miserable experience. Is it not preferable to be left alone when one is in a huge deal of agony? Besides which, since death is by definition the very last life experience you have, it's not like you'll even be able to spend any time regretting being alone when it happened.

I've already gone off on several tangents and gone on longer than I intended to, but considering this rant was inspired by a co-worker trying to invite me to their wedding (I ignored the invitation,) I should also mention my utter disdain for weddings. They are truly the most profligate custom that isn't engaged in by billionaires. People waste tens of thousands of dollars (and hours worth of each of their relative's, friend's, and acquaintance's time) just to scream into the void that they've decided to live in the same house as someone else. The absurdity is amplified even further when one considers the divorce statistics in the modern world. Weddings are essentially people blowing their life savings to make an announcement over who their roommate will be for the next 5 years.

That is not to say that I am opposed to marriage, but I don't see myself ever having a successful marriage unless it's with someone who is either A. autistic, B. schizoid, C. a sociopath, or D. a combination of those. In an ideal relationship, the two of us would each live in one half of our house and ignore each other until we needed something. It would be more of a crime family than a traditional family, but I'm fine with that. I'm a crime family man, with crime family values. It certainly beats having to live with someone who insists on wasting my time and energy on stupid social events.